Last week, our family spent a few days at a church camp that has been a significant part of my life since I was a child. We’ve been there several times as a family, but we typically bring with us family friends from home to share the experience. This time, however, we came alone and met up with old friends that our children hadn’t met before.
Shortly after arriving, my 8-year-old became highly anxious and moody. She clinged to me for an hour, and was apprehensive about engaging in the songs and games that were happening in the space. I invited her to go on a walk with me to our car and I asked her what was going on with her, because she typically loves camp, and I’d never seen her have any social apprehension in a similar situation.
She expressed that she didn’t know anyone, and didn’t really know how to go about making friends in this new group of people without knowing one person already.
It was in that moment that I realized, in her eight years, I had never really put her in this situation. Up to this point, she’s always had a buddy as a buffer, usually her best friend. There have been few situations where she was expected to make friends without having at least an acquaintance in the room.
“It’s easier when you’re little,” she said. “You can just walk up to anyone and ask them to play and be friends. But, it’s harder at my age, because I don’t know how to begin that conversation.”
“You’re both here at camp, so ask them what camp activities they enjoy most. Or, invite them to do something here that you like to do,” I advised. By the end of the day, my daughter had made a few good friends who she enjoyed spending time with through the end of our trip. She even ended up with a pen pal as we headed home.
While we were there, a friend of mine who lives a state away expressed that she longed for the community we had over the course of our time at camp in her day to day. In some ways, it echoed the pain my daughter had expressed, but with adult complexities.
Colleen Cook works full-time as the Director of Operations at Vinyl Marketing in Ashland, where she resides with her husband Mike and three young daughters. She’s an insatiable extrovert who enjoys finding reasons to gather people.
Creating community has always come naturally to me. As an extreme extrovert, I can forget that not everyone is wired to build a network. But, we all need a tribe. Just like I advised my daughter, the starting place is usually common interests. That can be anything, really: shared experiences, mutual hobbies, life circumstances or interests.
From there, though, to really begin to form a relationship, you need to move past the small talk and go a little deeper. I think the easiest bridge from small talk to deeper conversation is about being a curious listener. Ask the person you’re talking with about themselves, actively listen, and keep asking questions. Most people will volley back with their own questions, in which case, don’t hesitate to be forthcoming and honest. Don’t try to impress, and don’t feel like you need to be self-deprecating, just share yourself.
Once a connection has begun to form, relationships require nurturing to grow. Be intentional about reaching back out to your new friend, whether you’re sending a text or making plans for coffee or setting a playdate for your children. If you’ve initiated plans a few times, give your friend space to take a turn initiating, as well.
The best relationships are two-sided ones in which both people contribute similar effort and interest, and not every relationship will turn into a close one. But, if you follow this rhythm with new people as you meet them, along the way you’ll build a community around yourself.
As the sponsor of Ashland Source's Life and Culture section, Brethren Care Village continues its commitment to enriching lives and promoting a vibrant community.
