Several years ago, I worked in a job where the leadership didn’t handle staff issues well. In an effort to protect the feelings of the people on the team, they’d ignore problems that arose, hoping they’d blow over. Meanwhile, frustrations frequently grew among the staff when issues would arise and be ignored.
This was an environment in which passive aggression thrived and backchanneling was the norm, so eventually, the individual who was problematic would feel isolated enough that they’d move on and the rest of the team would turn their focus to the next problem team member.
Working in a place like that bred anxiety for the employees. You always wondered where you stood. If you made a mistake, you would panic, wondering if it would ripple out and threaten your sense of belonging. When you’d see a door close and a few people quietly talking, you’d assume it was about you.
Wondering if everyone is mad at you is a pretty terrible, toxic feeling. It’s the nauseous feeling of middle school drama that we’re all meant to be done with around the time we get through puberty.
As a leader in the company I work for today, it’s critically important to me and everyone on our leadership team that our company culture doesn’t give way to that kind of toxicity. We believe that people should always know where they stand, never be left wondering.
Brené Brown sums this idea up well in her book “Dare to Lead” with the phrase, “Clear is kind.” Setting clear expectations, boundaries and giving honest feedback are at the heart of clarity in workplace relationships. I think this mindset extends far beyond the workplace, as well.
When we’re clear with people about how things are going, it creates a culture of honesty. We’re able to trust that what we’re hearing from someone, good or bad, is true. That means that encouragement and praise mean far more, and when difficult conversations need to be had, the person who is engaging in the difficult conversation believes we can improve.
Colleen Cook works full-time as the Director of Operations at Vinyl Marketing in Ashland, where she resides with her husband Mike and three young daughters. She’s an insatiable extrovert who enjoys finding reasons to gather people.
When we as leaders have hard conversations with the people we’re leading, we’re honoring them by giving them the opportunity to grow and improve, we’re believing in them enough to not write them off.
It can be hard to hear that you’re not performing optimally, but it is far harder to be left wondering, to be forced to interpret expressions and actions trying to make sense of how your colleagues are feeling. Finding out that you’ve screwed up something in your work is disappointing, but it’s about your actions.
Feeling the slow burn of isolation when no one ever tells you what you’ve missed becomes about you as a person, and workplace cultures like that eventually burn everyone.
As a leader, when I approach a difficult conversation, I enter it aware that it could blow up, though it usually doesn’t. I recognize that the individual I’m addressing might have a strong emotional reaction, or might not react whatsoever at that moment, processing on their own in private. I consider the person I’m addressing and their sensitivity, how hard they’re trying to do well, and how they’ve responded to feedback in the past, and try to tailor my approach accordingly.
I try to have difficult conversations face to face with a clear and concise agenda. I take responsibility for where I have missed it in training, expectation setting, oversight, or resources in whatever situation has arisen.
As leaders, with many problems that arise, we can learn and do better too. Because emotion can stir up in such conversations, it’s helpful to follow up after the conversation in writing in order to summarize what was discussed, in case anything was misheard or forgotten.
Braving hard conversations when they’re necessary is a huge part of any leadership role, and is vital for a healthy organization. Any short-term gain from avoiding a conflict or protecting someone’s feelings is a long-term loss in the health of your culture and your team’s ability to do what you’re trying to accomplish together.
And, above all else, people will feel safer in organizations that don’t shy away from the tough moments, knowing that they can know without question how they’re doing and where they stand, good or bad.
